From the time I could pick up a doll, I have wanted to be a mother. I used to fill up pages in my notebook with the future names of my children. I would daydream about their hair color, their abilities, and what we would do together. In my mind's eye, there would be no hard days. I would always have time for my children, never have a day in which I lacked patience, and would always be able to help them with any problem they faced. More than anything, my kids would never doubt that I loved them.
Reality and fantasy have collided in the thirteen years since I held my firstborn in my arms. Motherhood has been the most challenging, most revealing, most difficult task I have ever been called to. Yes, I will use the word called. Because there are days that its demands are so overwhelming that I want to go hide somewhere. On my own, I falter, I yell too much, and I come up far short of my own standard of perfection in being a mom. Some days I wonder if I am the right person for the job.
I have been reevaluating my life with my kids. The Lord is challenging me to take a hard look at my priorities.
Will my children remember hearing, "We can trust Jesus with everything," but see me frantic, worried, and pre-occupied because of a lack of trust?
Will my children remember hearing, "Jesus wants us to obey Him," but see me refusing to forgive or fight having idols in my own life?
Will my children remember hearing, "Jesus wants us to give to others," but see me stingy with my time and being selfish with money or resources that God has given me?
Will my children remember hearing, "The Bible is the inerrant Word of God," but see me only follow the parts that suit me?
Will my children remember hearing, "You are so important to me," but see me drop everything to pick up my cell phone when it rings and let that conversation consume my time?
Will my children remember busyness, bustling, and always being in a hurry and not have a clue what resting means because they did not see it modeled in my life?
Will my children remember that I love their daddy with all my heart? Will my son look for qualities that I display in the woman he one day chooses to be his wife?
Will my children one day be able to say, "Jesus loves me this I know because my mommy showed me so?"
Any accomplishment I achieve in this life will pale in comparison to the knowledge that my three children are walking with the Lord in part because of my example. This is my greatest desire as a mother.